“What are your qualifications, Ma’am?”
“Well, I believe I’m very useful.”
“In what ways?”
“Very, very useful; basically, I’m extremely good at inflating word-count, one would think. And, essentially, it seems I’m really brilliant at de-emphasizing word importance by way of pure overkill, after all.”
Ma’am has a way with words, no?
No. She dotes on qualifiers like apparently, looks like, it would appear that, one should, and I think that, as well as intensives, such as very, extremely, awfully, highly, completely, really, simply, too, and tremendous(ly). She also insists on introducing many of her statements and opinions with clarifiers, namely, actually, intrinsically, suddenly, basically, and essentially.
Qualifiers are most appropriate for non-fiction writing, as in journalism, academic research papers, and other formal articles. In these cases, writers need to sometimes qualify their concepts by making clear that their statements may not be true in all cases, or to make it known that they are providing opinions rather than complete facts.
In fiction and poetry, however, qualifiers tend to weigh down sentences, lines, and images, by not allowing words to fly lyrically. If you were concerned about tempering the truth of a metaphor, you’d have to turn it into a simile, by qualifying one object was like another, rather than consenting that one become another.
Emerging from the surf, the giant turtle looked like an upside-down timpani drum floating into shore. The beach musicians, missing a drummer, cheered.
A capsized timpani drum, strapped to stubby legs, emerged from the surf and crawled to shore. The beach musicians, missing a drummer, cheered the turtle on.
You get the idea. I bet you could come up with some better comparisons. I hope you will try to, next time you first think about using a simile. A metaphor may launch your readers’ imaginations higher.
And, next time you’re revising a writing project, especially in fiction and poetry, remember to look for these 3 types of abstractions and get rid of as many as aren’t needed:
1. Qualifiers — apparently, looks like, seems like, it would appear that, one should/would, I think, I believe, etc.
2. Clarifiers — actually, intrinsically, suddenly, basically, essentially, etc.
3. Intensives — very, extremely, awfully, highly, completely, really, simply, too, awesomely, tremendous, fantastic, super, etc.
“I’m not sure you’re all that qualified for this job, Ma’am.”
“Really, how could you say such a thing to moi? It’s too, too mean. Actually, one is never as capable of stringing all sorts of highly abstracted abstractions together as someone such as myself. It’s really awesomely easier to do than what it seems like. And you’re not perfectly perfect, either, Mr. All That Qualified.”